Observations on our daily walk to school...

One of the coolest things about our new home is that it is right around the corner from the elementary school.  It is close enough that it actually takes longer to drive there in the morning.  The road between us and the school tends to get a bit backed up between parents dropping off kids and commuters heading to the freeway.  Thus, we have walked Jackson to school every day since October 12.

The following is a sample of what we experience on our daily walk*:

• neighbors' roses-- Amelia LOVES flowers, especially roses.  I am so happy that we chose her middle name, Rose.  She feels a special connection.
• the traffic light-- they both like to push the button for the walk signal.  This is sometimes a trigger for an argument, but we always work it out.
• the dogs of the park-- Amelia hasn't met a dog she doesn't like.  There is a group of people that walk their dogs every day.  We are now on first-name basis with all of them.  There is Buddy the yellow lab, Foolish the golden retriever, Sam the collie, Yoda the poodle, Vegas the chihuahua, and George and Gracie the Irish Setters.
• walkers-- we see the same people walking nearly every day.  There is a lone man who wears a cotton t-shirt and shorts, even when it is 40 degrees, the Indian woman, the two couples, an older gentleman with white hair and the middle aged women.
• the big kids on the playground as we cut through the back way-- Jackson always looks longingly at the "big kid structure."  The other night at a school function, he and his friend played on the upper grade playground and was in heaven!
• Mrs. Elkins-- Jackson's teacher is really sweet.  I think Amelia likes her as much as Jackson does.  Every day when we drop him off at his classroom, Amelia says "good morning, Mrs. Elkins!"  Mrs. Elkins always responds, "good morning, Amelia."
• the sun-- inevitably, on the walk back home, Amelia complains about the sun in her eyes and asks me to carry her.  I have tried having her wear hats and sunglasses, but most days I end up carrying her at least a part of the way home.  *sigh*  If it is a cloudy day (which it rarely is), her legs are hurt or tired.   I do need to remember that she is only three and a little less than a half mile each way is actually a long way for her.   At least I get a workout.

I really hope we can find a house to buy somewhere in our neighborhood.  I love our daily walk


*one of these days, I will try to remember to bring the camera and take pictures along the way.

Dilemma....

Kenny and I are having a debate. It sucks when we aren't exactly on the same page. I want his time at home on the weekends to be nothing but fun, but we have serious things to discuss about our future-- both short and long term.

I want to start our new life. This limbo is taking its toll on me. They are asking for volunteers at Jackson's school, but I can't take on something that I can't finish. I want him to be in a school where he can put down roots and make long-term friends. I want to put Amelia in a dance class; she is obsessed with ballet right now. People are asking me to sub for them at Stroller Strides, but it is hard to commit to anything. I also want to start my new business. So many things can't start until we move. Mostly, I want us to be a family every day again. I miss my husband. The kids miss their daddy. He misses us. I had hoped we would move in the beginning of October.

Kenny wants to wait until we rent out this house. Apparently, the rental market is very, very soft. Renting out this house by October 1 might be a tall order. By moving in October, we are risking paying double rent indefinitely. Who knows how long it will take to rent. The last six months were really hard. With no job, we nearly exhausted our reserves and dug ourselves a decent hole. The future is bright, luckily... but making that hole deeper is not what we want to do.

So here is the dilemma... move in October, taking a financial risk OR wait to move until we rent our house, risking my sanity. It is not that simple of a decision.

I just hope that we get a ton of calls on the house this next week and the question is answered for us. So if anyone out there needs a nice 3.5 bed,* 2.5 bath house with an amazing view, community pool and nice neighbors, send me an e-mail at lisagensel at cox dot net.

First Day of School! First Day of School!

I often think of Nemo waking his dad saying, "first day of school...time for school" to his dad, Marlin. That was Jackson today! I'm not sure if there are many kids who were as excited as he was to go to kindergarten. I only got a tear in my eye once. The rest of the drop off (and pick up) I was just happy for him.





















He had a great day. I picked him up and he was grinning as much as he was this morning. When I asked him (as I did every day after preschool) what his favorite part of the day was, he replied, "coming here." I said, "but what was your favorite part?" "All of it!" I am so happy.

I was one of those geeky kids that loved school. Heck, I still love school. I think that Jackson might take after me in that regard.

Another right of passage down. A new chapter in our lives stretches before us. On to the next thing.

Kindergarten Orientation!!!

How is that possible??? Last night I took Jackson to meet his teacher and learn all about kindergarten. First this*.......and then kindergarten? What's a mom to do?

It was a tough night emotionally for me. First, by baby is growing up. I am happy and proud, but also a little sad. It flies by, doesn't it? Then I was happy that I had put him in such a great school. The PTA is super involved and the school loves parent involvement. His teacher is AWESOME. Not only does she have 24 years of experience as a kindergarten teacher, but she is passionate about health and fitness. She is an avid runner!! Could there BE a better match for me?

Then I was sad. Really sad. As I started getting excited about the school year and getting involved, I realized that I won't be involved in this school. We are moving in October, and I will be pretty busy until then. Jackson will be spending most of the school year somewhere else. I won't get to hear all about the teacher's style etc. in orientation. He'll be just another "new kid." I am excited about our new life, but now the pressure to find another school just went up. Murdock has set the bar pretty high. At least I know he'll be in good hands for the next six weeks or so.

Lots and lots of changes. I suppose that is life. Bring it on!

*The tooth was lost a couple of weeks ago.

Remembering to BREATHE...

I can finally breathe. I feel like someone has literally cut strings on a corset and the crushing feeling around my chest has loosened up.

My husband accepted a job last week. It is a great job that pays more than what he was making before. Not only is it a good opportunity for him, but it allows me to potentially start a business in fitness rather than rejoining the corporate jungle. We still have an uphill road ahead of us-- paying credit cards, savings etc. and moving two hours away. However, that uphill road is just a hill after a long run rather than the downward spiral we were feeling only weeks ago.

While thrilled to start a new chapter in our lives, it is all bittersweet. We have come to love living in San Diego. It is really the perfect place to live for us. I am sad to leave the friends that we have here. We have a wonderful network here and it is going to be tough to start over. I remember when I quit my job how hard it was to find moms with kids Jackson's age. Once kids are two or three, all the moms groups are established. I found my group through moms of babies Amelia's age. It will be harder to find mommy friends now that my kids are older. I think the schools will be key. I am sure it will all work out.

Kenny and I spent the last couple of days in Catalina, an island off the coast of Southern California. It was wonderful. We rode our bikes everywhere and spent a lot of time relaxing. Catalina is so laid back. We had a fabulous dinner in a fine dining restaurant in our biking clothes! We both feel relaxed and recharged. We are closer than ever, having come through some bleak times. We are looking forward to the future.

Our next steps are 1) getting this house ready to rent 2) figuring out where we are going to live. Kenny starts on Monday. He will be staying with his parents during the week and coming home on the weekends. I will be a single mom five days a week. Deep breath...it is going to be a long few weeks.

Karma is a bitch...

What kind of karmic retribution is there for someone who is evil and doesn't know it? Some people are so narcissistic that they don't realize that their actions are as bad as someone who knowingly does evil, yet they go through life believing that they are "good" people.

Something happened last night that set me off. It made steam come out of my ears. I am glad I wasn't with Kenny last night. While I am normally very averse to conflict, I may have said something. Kenny was at an event with some former colleagues. Everyone was very cordial and friendly. After all, bygones are bygones, right? So Kenny was chatting with a particular person and he mentioned that he had recently completed a triathlon. The other person said, "Wow... that's great. So being unemployed isn't so bad!" W.T.F??????? Um... that's like saying to a guy with no legs that he is lucky that he couldn't run that marathon because it was really hard. Seriously? Unless you have the kind of relationship where that kind of interaction is common (it is not in this case), that sort of comment is not appropriate. It is especially not appropriate when you are the person responsible for the unemployment and a good deal of the stress associated with it.

Kenny said that many of his former colleagues were surprised that he hadn't found a job yet. We're surprised, too. This economy is far worse than a lot of people think. When Kenny and I have been laid off in the past, we found employment within weeks. We aren't even getting call backs for interviews this time. This has been an incredibly difficult time for us. It has been hard on our marriage, hard on our family and we have really tried to make the best of it (by doing things like competing in triathlons). For someone to make light of our circumstances is hurtful. It makes it worse when that person seems oblivious to our stress and complains about his (he has to work and doesn't have time to train for a triathlon). I choose to believe that this person is not malicious. He just doesn't think about how is words and actions affect other people. I think that is the definition of narcissist.

This post was originally a specific attack on the individual who said the hurtful comment (with names, links and pictures designed to trigger search engines). I realized that nothing good can come out of putting negative things on the internet about a specific person. I feel a bit better now. I know that the comment by itself doesn't seem like much. However, combined with ALL the things that this person has done (even without knowing), I had had enough. Since this is a somewhat private blog...my vent about this person will stay right here on this blog.

Where's my lucky charm?

*warning: this post is more of a rant and has a very whiny quality.

I used to think that I had lived a pretty charmed life. I had good jobs, great friends and family, and things worked out pretty well for me. However, there was always the worry in the back of my mind that the charm would fade. I still have a pretty incredible life with two of the best kids in the world and a great husband. BUT... I am not living the charmed life and I don't know what to do to get it back.

I know that compared to some people, we have it pretty good. They aren't foreclosing on our house, but that is because we had a lot of savings built up. The key word is had. The only reason that we aren't in a worse situation is because we had been living beneath our means for the most part and we are blessed to have family who have and will help us. However, the longer we go without income, the bleaker our bright future looks.

The last few months have been tough. Kenny and I have both been laid off before. In the past, we found jobs within weeks. This economy is as bad as the media is saying. At least it seems pretty darn bad for us. Kenny has put in for dozens of jobs and only had one interview. Most people don't even bother to e-mail him to acknowledge the receipt of his resume. Since throwing my hat back in the ring, I have experienced the same thing. I have applied for jobs that I am clearly qualified for (several years experience in that particular position). I have only received one "thanks, but no thanks" response. The other jobs disappeared into the void. In addition to people not giving candidates common courtesy, they are low-balling. We have both seen cases of companies wanting to pay far less than market for qualified candidates, just because they know they can.

The past few weeks have really taken their toll on my positive attitude. Aside from the bleak job situation, my life seems to be falling apart. The grill fell off our BMW. We have the trashiest looking luxury car around! Our big television took a crap. It is sitting on the dining room table with the parts spilled out everywhere (as Kenny takes on DIY). "Check Engine" lights are on in both cars. Our floors have no baseboards, making our beautiful new(ish) hardwood floors look trashy. The other day I was backing out of a parking space and c.r.u.n.c.h....I ran the right front panel right into a cement pole. GRRRRRRR.... a COMPLETELY avoidable cosmetic ouchy on my car! Nothing, by itself, is cause for undue anxiety. But, EVERYTHING seems to be falling apart and we don't have any extra money to replace/fix them. So it is no wonder that when my sister-in-law's dogs chewed a giant hole in Kenny's rash guard, I was nearly in tears. It is a ten-year-old rash guard that is easily replaced. In fact, it was even a bit thread bare. At any other time, this would be no big deal. But COME ON.... can we catch a BREAK??????

Normally, when I start feeling the world close in around me like this, I go for a run. It has saved my sanity on numerous occasions in the past months. Well... I can't even do that!! Somehow, I injured my chest.* It hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts worse when pressure is put on it. A nice hug from Kenny is very painful. :-( I can only sleep on one side and sleeping in any position other than with my arm slung over a pillow is uncomfortable. I ran twice last week. On Sunday's thirteen mile run, it hurt a bit for about 5 or 6 miles and then I stopped noticing it. On Tuesday's seven mile run, it hurt the entire time and seemed to hurt worse afterwards. I decided not to run until I find out what is going on. It is not like the pain is unbearable. I can run fine with a little discomfort. However, the location (the left chest) and the fact that it is not better in eleven days has me concerned about the origin of the pain. I would hate for running to make something minor turn into something worse. I miss my endorphins and I don't have money to go out and get drunk. So until the doctor tells me I'm being a big baby, I'll just pout and feel sorry for myself.


*I am pretty sure it happened water skiing, but I didn't feel any pain while doing it. I had one big fall at the end, but, once again, it didn't hurt. Hmmm....