*warning: this post is more of a rant and has a very whiny quality.
I used to think that I had lived a pretty charmed life. I had good jobs, great friends and family, and things worked out pretty well for me. However, there was always the worry in the back of my mind that the charm would fade. I still have a pretty incredible life with two of the best kids in the world and a great husband. BUT... I am not living the charmed life and I don't know what to do to get it back.
I know that compared to some people, we have it pretty good. They aren't foreclosing on our house, but that is because we had a lot of savings built up. The key word is had. The only reason that we aren't in a worse situation is because we had been living beneath our means for the most part and we are blessed to have family who have and will help us. However, the longer we go without income, the bleaker our bright future looks.
The last few months have been tough. Kenny and I have both been laid off before. In the past, we found jobs within weeks. This economy is as bad as the media is saying. At least it seems pretty darn bad for us. Kenny has put in for dozens of jobs and only had one interview. Most people don't even bother to e-mail him to acknowledge the receipt of his resume. Since throwing my hat back in the ring, I have experienced the same thing. I have applied for jobs that I am clearly qualified for (several years experience in that particular position). I have only received one "thanks, but no thanks" response. The other jobs disappeared into the void. In addition to people not giving candidates common courtesy, they are low-balling. We have both seen cases of companies wanting to pay far less than market for qualified candidates, just because they know they can.
The past few weeks have really taken their toll on my positive attitude. Aside from the bleak job situation, my life seems to be falling apart. The grill fell off our BMW. We have the trashiest looking luxury car around! Our big television took a crap. It is sitting on the dining room table with the parts spilled out everywhere (as Kenny takes on DIY). "Check Engine" lights are on in both cars. Our floors have no baseboards, making our beautiful new(ish) hardwood floors look trashy. The other day I was backing out of a parking space and c.r.u.n.c.h....I ran the right front panel right into a cement pole. GRRRRRRR.... a COMPLETELY avoidable cosmetic ouchy on my car! Nothing, by itself, is cause for undue anxiety. But, EVERYTHING seems to be falling apart and we don't have any extra money to replace/fix them. So it is no wonder that when my sister-in-law's dogs chewed a giant hole in Kenny's rash guard, I was nearly in tears. It is a ten-year-old rash guard that is easily replaced. In fact, it was even a bit thread bare. At any other time, this would be no big deal. But COME ON.... can we catch a BREAK??????
Normally, when I start feeling the world close in around me like this, I go for a run. It has saved my sanity on numerous occasions in the past months. Well... I can't even do that!! Somehow, I injured my chest.* It hurts pretty much all the time. It hurts worse when pressure is put on it. A nice hug from Kenny is very painful. :-( I can only sleep on one side and sleeping in any position other than with my arm slung over a pillow is uncomfortable. I ran twice last week. On Sunday's thirteen mile run, it hurt a bit for about 5 or 6 miles and then I stopped noticing it. On Tuesday's seven mile run, it hurt the entire time and seemed to hurt worse afterwards. I decided not to run until I find out what is going on. It is not like the pain is unbearable. I can run fine with a little discomfort. However, the location (the left chest) and the fact that it is not better in eleven days has me concerned about the origin of the pain. I would hate for running to make something minor turn into something worse. I miss my endorphins and I don't have money to go out and get drunk. So until the doctor tells me I'm being a big baby, I'll just pout and feel sorry for myself.
*I am pretty sure it happened water skiing, but I didn't feel any pain while doing it. I had one big fall at the end, but, once again, it didn't hurt. Hmmm....